Adulting’s a Scam
One of the things I often tell clients as they’re feeling overwhelmed by their daily responsibilities is, “Adulting’s a scam!” to which I’m often met with an expression of agreement and the response, “It is a scam!”
While we can joke about this together, there is a sense that the fantasy of what would be when they grew up gets turned into disillusionment. As responsibilities increase, there is often a purpose of ensuring the well-being of aging parents.
Most children of immigrants have to grow up quicker than others, whether they’ve taken care of younger siblings while their parents were struggling to make ends meet, or have written and translated documents as the main English speaker in the home, or continued to navigate microaggressions in a society which continues to “other” them.
You may have imagined that when you reached true adulthood, you would be free of these responsibilities, being able to choose how you spend your time, but that fantasy isn’t the life you’re currently living.
The shift to taking care of aging parents becomes one of the most important responsibilities at this stage, and a burden that keeps you up at night. You spend hours worrying how you're going to make sure they're okay, because inherently, you believe that if they’re okay, you’ll be okay. Regardless, it can feel like you have no other choice. You may be telling yourself that no one else can do it, and while you may not be able to change the reality of caregiving, small shifts in support and connection can make it feel less isolating.
Reflect:
If you have siblings or other family around, is there a way that you can lighten your responsibilities by delegating a low-stakes task?
Are there community resources available that can provide you with some respite?
Can you ask a family/community member to drop by for an hour on the harder days?
Is there an aunty in your community who caters meals that you can order from on days where planning feels harder?
Record:
Document moments together as a way to bring in connection
Record your parent(s) telling a story of their favourite memory of when they were younger, if they remember
Record their favourite meals, including the particulars (i.e. how they liked their roti served - soft or crispy)
Record the sound of their laugh
Record things you know they don’t like
Though the responsibilities may fall largely on you, at some point, if you have parents who are able but neglect their own health, there is only so much you can do. We all know the aunty who refuses to go for a 20-minute daily walk or refuses medication, mistrusting the doctor’s advice, even though it’s really hard to change her lifelong habits; or the uncle who has diabetes but won’t refrain from being the first in line for dessert. Trying to take care of them while knowing they could be helping themselves out and not having control over it is a hard and painful lesson to learn.
Moments of Connection:
Incorporating moments of connection can provide a small shift in the experience of caretaking. Rather than the lecture about managing your meds better or staying away from dessert, bringing in curiosity about them and their lives before they had kids can create a space to connect differently, especially when you can see how it affects them in real time.
Get support:
So many children of immigrants are taking care of others’ needs while neglecting their own. Being able to have an hour a week solely dedicated to yourself is a start in bringing in compassion for yourself. Whether it's a space to release the big emotions you keep inside or a consistent time where you can just be free of the responsibilities, it is important.
Looking for a therapist who gets it? Schedule your free consultation here.
Written by: Seher Bajwa, AMFT/APCC
Seher is a 2nd-generation South Asian Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counselor at Noor Therapy and Wellness, who supports 1st/2nd-gen women find their voice and couples rebuild their connection.
