Couples Therapy: Getting into the Heart of the Matter

Couples therapy is truly a speciality. And for some therapists, it’s an area they don’t venture into because of its unique terrain. For me, it’s a privilege to be in the room with a couple and create a space in which they can open up and share the pain that they are experiencing in order to create something more meaningful, joyful, and life-giving. Relationships impact every single facet of our wellbeing and to be able to support couples to improve their entire lives through this one decision is an honor.

I have seen how much grief arises in couples therapy. People contend with where they thought they’d be at this stage in life. They express what they thought the relationship would be and come face-to-face with what it is. Making room for that grief is essential to the process of letting go in order to create space for creating what could be. Being able to name it and hold the grief in a way that is gentle and supportive is so sacred.

As a witness in the room, I get to meet the younger versions of the couple, as they start to bare their wounds. I meet child versions that didn’t receive love and affection. I meet teenagers who struggled alone without guidance. I witness how they have had to people please as a mode of survival, and what happens when the feelings of not being enough resurface. I witness how the fear of abandonment is activated as their partner threatens to end the relationship. 

And yet, they are here. 

They have decided to reach out for support, to bring in a witness to their experience, a witness who can see beyond what is being said in the heat of the moment or even in the deep silences that arise, and zoom out to highlight the dynamic that perpetuates the cycles and patterns that continue to play out in the relationship beyond what each person may recognize. 

Other times, the wounded selves that arise are the younger versions from within the relationship, from the early years, who enjoyed the honeymoon phase and became confused when the reality of the relationship set in - when you started to see your partner for who they are, not the fantasy of who they would become. We so often get attached to the potential of who someone can be and not accept them for who they truly are - a human, with all the beauty, the flaws, and the imperfections that are there by design of being human.

So what do you do when the fantasy bursts, and reality is not what you had hoped it would be? Who do you turn to for support? Oftentimes, as adult children of immigrants, we grow up with the notion that it is not okay to share with others what goes on in the home, especially in a marriage. Often, I think about how much more connected we’d be as individuals if we could let that go. How much more we’d be connected to our partners and to the community at large we would be if we released the shame of not being perfect and leaned into the collective human experience, the messiness and complexity of our human relationships.

Years in, you realize your relationship isn’t perfect, and Instagram vs reality is glaringly different. Accessing support from a professional who is able to identify and vocalize the dynamics that are at play through the arguments, the silences, and the hurt can be eye-opening and transformative  for the relationship, and for each partner. It can allow space for the unspoken words to have a voice, and allow you to share in a way that becomes a bridge, rather than a point of division, in your relationship.

Feel like your partner doesn’t get it? Exhausted from the cycles of saying the same things to each other, but feel like you’re both speaking a different language, and you just can’t get through? Feel like your sex life has gone down the drain? Reach out for a consultation call and let’s get into the heart of the matter, in a way that can build a foundation of support.

Schedule your free consultation here. 

Written by: Seher Bajwa, AMFT/APCC

Seher is a 2nd-generation South Asian registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist as well as a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counseling at Noor Therapy and Wellness who supports multicultural couples enhance their communication and connection by bridging their worlds