Navigating Grief: The Shift to Long-Distance Friendships

I just came home from saying bye to two of my dear friends as they were packing up to move on to the next phase of their journey. And what I notice is that I hold both gratitude and grief. 

Gratitude for the time we’ve had together. 

Gratitude for the memories we’ve created. 

Gratitude for the conversations acknowledging that we’re not ready to take this relationship long-distance. 

Gratitude for being able to discuss how we’re going to maintain our friendships and in what way we’ll show up for ourselves and each other. 

So much gratitude, joy, and duas for their journey ahead.

Also, a lot of grief. 

Grief knowing that there will be no more Tuesday family dinners.

Grief that time together will be rarer and take planning.

Grief at acknowledging the ending of this season in our friendship, as it transforms into a stage which is somewhat unknown. 

You see, friends are the family we choose for ourselves. As third culture kids, or TCKs, it’s so special when you find someone who feels like home, who just gets it without you having to explain your identity. You cherish the time spent talking about the layers and experiences that make you who you are and connecting to others who resonate with a yearning for belonging. It’s a blessing to find other TCKs  and adult children of immigrants – the hyphenated people – and to create belonging together, with each other.

Grief knowing that there will be no more texts checking in with each other, “Hey girl, Costco run - need anything?” or “Salam! Can I grab anything for y’all from West LA International Market?” 

Grief knowing that the time until you reunite will be strange.

Grief that our physical presence won’t be there even as I know that we want to be there for one another as we navigate through the joys and challenges of adulting 

So how do we hold both the gratitude and the grief? How do we navigate these evolutions of friendship?

Reflect on expectations for the relationship

• How will you show up (expectations of yourself)?

• How do you expect them to show up?

• Communicate your wants and needs (yes, vulnerability can be scary!)

• How will you work through misses (missed calls, missed time, misalignments)?

For us, we started by moving Tuesday dinners to FaceTime to ensure that we had at least 1 hour of face-to-face contact a week. Then we decided on a form of regular communication that suits both of us (one of my friend’s preference is text, mine is VoiceNote). As life continues to get busy and adulting gets adulting-er (yes, that’s a made-up word), checking in will be important. Not only check-ins on how we are doing but also how we are doing in the friendship, what we have capacity for, and if adjustments need to be made. Maintaining open and honest communication about our capacities will matter. Staying accountable is key. 

In sessions, clients so often talk about what’s going on between themselves and those in their inner circle - how their relationship is, and what is weighing on their heart. For adult children of immigrants, friendships can be a huge source of comfort and love that was never received by family members in the way they needed. Friends might be able to show love through words of appreciation and validation and an “I love you” from a friend can be so meaningful. It acts as a salve for the wound that remains when you were given a plate of cut up fruit but would’ve rather had your parents hug you and express those very words. Friends can fill in the gaps of our families of origin and tend to our deepest parts.

And like with all family dynamics, the relationships with the family we choose for ourselves can also have ups and downs, and clients often talk about the tension and distancing that is happening with those closest to them. Heartbreak doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships; it happens in friendships too. And where there is rupture, there can also be repair. So being able to talk through what is happening in your relationships and how you want to maintain them is important and often, necessary work.

So often in our western world, romantic relationships are given the most attention, respect, and legitimacy but in decolonial work, we honor the full spectrum of relationships that support and nourish us - even our relationship with nature. Friendships are a deep and meaningful part of our lives and deserve to be given attention and care.

So I invite you to think of the friendships you have - how much effort would you put into maintaining them if they shifted to long distance? And for those of you who are in long-distance relationships, what is and isn’t working for you? Who do you want to remain in your inner circle as you navigate through your day? How have you made this a reality despite the distance?

Let’s normalize the importance of having supportive community who just get it as you continue to navigate life between worlds - the experience of the hyphenated individuals - TCKs and adult children of immigrants. Being able to maintain connections that feel supportive and fulfilling are vital to our wellbeing. If you’re thinking of a friend as you read through this and know you could use support on how to navigate the relationship with them and with yourself as you forge a new path of open communication and honesty, or you’re struggling to express how you truly feel to them and perhaps grieve parts of the relationship that just don’t fulfill you anymore, reach out. In sessions, we create space for grief, with compassion and softness. I’d love to chat with you and see if we’re a good fit and how I can support you.

We often think of therapy on an individual, couple, family, or group level. Let’s also normalize therapy for friends who want to maintain their relationship but are having a hard time navigating through it. If you’re thinking of a person as you’re reading this and believe y’all may benefit from additional support in maintaining the relationship and forging a new path of open communication and honesty about what is and isn’t working without fear of losing the relationship, reach out. I’d love to chat with you both and see if we’re a good fit and how I can support y’all in this journey.

Schedule your free consultation here. 

Written by: Seher Bajwa, AMFT/APCC

Seher is a 2nd generation South Asian registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist as well as a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counseling at Noor Therapy and Wellness who supports couples enhance their communication and connection and 1st/2nd gen women find a sense of belonging and identity.