You learned how to function. Did you learn how to feel? (the things we were never taught about our emotions as children of immigrants)

Many of us learned how to function long before we learned how to understand ourselves. We learned how to get good grades, meet expectations, be respectful, help our families, work hard, push through, and keep going. We learned how to be responsible. We learned how to make our families proud. But somewhere along the way, many of us never learned what to do with our feelings. We may know how to explain why we received a certain grade or why we made a particular decision, but struggle to explain why our chest feels heavy, why we suddenly feel overwhelmed, or why a seemingly small interaction has stayed with us all day. 

So instead of saying, “I feel hurt,” we say, “I'm fine.”

Instead of, “I feel overwhelmed and I need some support,” we say, “I'm just tired.” 

Instead of, “I need reassurance right now,” we say, “Just leave me alone.” 

And sometimes, we genuinely don't know what we're feeling. This isn't necessarily because we're disconnected from ourselves. Sometimes, we simply weren't taught the language for what was happening inside of us.

For many children of immigrants, emotional expression can be complicated. We may grow up in families where survival, sacrifice, responsibility, and providing for others are deeply valued. There may not have been much room to ask, what are you feeling? What do you need? What is happening inside of you? 

Maybe you learned that there were more important things to worry about. Maybe you were told to be grateful. Maybe you became the “responsible one” or the “easy child.” Maybe you learned to keep your struggles to yourself because you didn't want to add another burden to your family. Maybe emotional needs were met with solutions rather than curiosity: What are you upset about? What do you want me to do about it? Why are you crying? Over time, you can become incredibly skilled at functioning while becoming less familiar with your own internal world. You know how to get things done. You know how to show up. You know how to take care of everyone else. You just might not know how to answer the question: “What do you need right now?”

Emotional literacy 

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognize, understand, name, and communicate what we're experiencing. And sometimes, that means becoming more specific. “I’m angry” might actually be: I feel dismissed. I feel hurt. I feel powerless. I feel afraid that I’m not being understood. “I’m anxious” might actually be: I’m overwhelmed by how much responsibility I’m carrying. I’m afraid something will go wrong. I’m trying to control an outcome that isn’t actually within my control. “I’m lazy” might actually be: I’m exhausted. I’ve been pushing myself past my limits. I need rest. “I’m guilty” might actually be: I’m uncomfortable disappointing someone. I’m struggling with the difference between having a responsibility and feeling responsible for everything. Sometimes the emotion we name first isn't actually the whole story, and the more accurately we can understand what we're experiencing, the more choices we have about what to do next.

Often, we don't recognize an emotion until it becomes impossible to ignore. We notice the argument, but not the resentment that had been quietly building for weeks. We notice ourselves shutting down, but not the overwhelm that came before it. We notice the tears, but struggle to identify what actually hurt. We notice that we're suddenly snapping at everyone, but not that we've been overstimulated, exhausted, and carrying too much for days. Our emotional experiences don't usually appear out of nowhere. There is often a buildup, and learning to notice that buildup can give us access to ourselves, before reaching a breaking point.

You might begin noticing: my shoulders tense whenever this topic comes up. I keep telling myself I'm fine, but I feel like I'm holding my breath. I keep saying yes, but I'm becoming resentful. I don't actually want to be alone right now. I want someone to reassure me. I'm not angry at them. I'm hurt. That awareness is information. Your emotions are not always instructions, and they don't always tell you exactly what is true. But they can give you information about your internal experience, your boundaries, your needs, your fears, and what may need your attention.Sometimes emotional awareness begins with the body. You may not immediately know, I'm overwhelmed, you may simply notice that your jaw is tight, your stomach feels unsettled, your chest feels heavy, you're restless, you're exhausted but can't seem to slow down. You want to withdraw from everyone. For those of us who learned to intellectualize our experiences or prioritize functioning, paying attention to the body can be a different entry point into emotional awareness. Instead of immediately asking, “Why am I like this?” you can begin with: “What am I noticing right now?” Then: “What might this be telling me?”

You don't have to figure it all out immediately. You can just get curious. Naming a feeling doesn't make it disappear. Emotional literacy isn't about finding the perfect word that magically makes an uncomfortable emotion go away. You can know exactly why you're hurt and still be hurt. You can understand your anxiety and still feel anxious. You can recognize that you're overwhelmed and still have too much on your plate. The goal isn't to eliminate difficult emotions, it's to develop enough awareness that you can respond to them with more intention. When you can say, “I'm overwhelmed and I need a break,” you have a different set of options than when all you can say is, “I can't do this anymore.” When you can recognize, “I'm feeling rejected, and I'm starting to assume everyone is upset with me,” you have an opportunity to pause before acting from that fear. When you can distinguish between “I feel guilty” and “I actually did something wrong,” you can begin questioning whether the guilt belongs to you in the first place. Naming creates space, and sometimes, that little bit of space is where choice begins.

You are allowed to learn what you were never taught

If emotional awareness doesn't come naturally to you, that doesn't mean you're broken, dramatic, overly sensitive, or emotionally immature. You may simply be learning something you were never given the opportunity to learn. You can learn to recognize the difference between anger and hurt, between guilt and responsibility, between rest and avoidance, between anxiety and intuition, between wanting space and actually feeling disconnected, between being independent and being afraid to ask for help, and you can learn that your needs matter, even when other people have needs too. For some of us, this learning happens later in life. Maybe it happens when we enter a relationship and realize we don't know how to communicate what we need. Maybe it happens when we're exhausted from constantly being the strong one. Maybe it happens when we realize that “I'm fine” has become our automatic answer to almost everything. Maybe it happens when we finally have enough space to ask ourselves: “Wait. What am I actually feeling?”

Therapy can be one place to practice developing this kind of emotional awareness. For many of my clients, therapy is about slowing down enough to notice what is happening now, emotionally, physically, relationally, and culturally. As a therapist who works with children of immigrants and diasporic communities, I understand how complicated it can be to untangle your own needs from the expectations, values, responsibilities, and survival strategies you grew up with. 

You don't have to wait until you're falling apart to become curious about yourself. You can start before the breaking point. You can learn to notice the quiet signs. You can learn to put words to what has been difficult to explain. And you can learn that understanding yourself isn't selfish. You learned how to function. Maybe now, you're learning how to feel. 

Written by:Nichole Abdallah, AMFT

Nichole is a second-generation Palestinian-Latina Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Noor Therapy and Wellness who helps adult children of immigrants reclaim their cultural identities, navigate intergenerational trauma, and find a sense of belonging.

You can book a free consultation with me here: https://calendly.com/therapywithnichole/15-min?month=2025-06